based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I am the slutty bisexual glue that holds this friendship group together.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
