i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Although the guy I'm messing around with just offered to let me be his rich brother's sugar baby
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
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