Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Randomize
