i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Randomize
