overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
do you remember wearing her cheetah rainboots and making bacon shirtless?
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
Yes she scared me. She had NIPPLE CLAMPS ATTACHED TO A STUN GUN.
And all I ask is the occasional "welcome home from work" blowjob.....and for you to fold my laundry. I hate folding laundry
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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