Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
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