The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
mondays should just be called national damage control day
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
