Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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