I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
