her vagina looked like bernie madoff
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
It's pretty self explanatory. You tried to have sex on the hood of a car in front of everyone
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
