Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I will pre answer that I did not see it the fun way. He was peeing outside.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
