false alarm. still invincible.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
