I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't know where I keep finding these guys, but mi power bottoms es su power bottoms.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
