Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
