I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
