Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I said "one day" and that day is not today
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
