i may or may not be watching the land before time
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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