drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Randomize
