I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
my shit smells like andre
I have beard burns on my inner thighs. I'd say last night went pretty well.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
I still can't believe I was army crawling thru his backyard at 2am..
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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