i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
