He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize
