I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
