I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
You're an independent woman who is defined by her own actions and not by whether or not you have a man. You also have great tits.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Randomize
