you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Houston, we have a blender
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
Randomize
