I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Randomize