You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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