my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
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