My hair reeks of homosexuality.
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
