I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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