i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
