I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
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