let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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