She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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