I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
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