Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
