I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
just spent about 3 1/2 hours looking for a dollar so I can buy weed.
suggestion: become a stripper.
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
Randomize
