When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
