I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
