I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
DETAILS
long story
just tell me the parts i wanna hear
weed, brooklyn, rough sex.
Randomize
