Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
He's a Shit stain on my heart
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
