Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
North Korea, Best Korea!
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
Randomize
