I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
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