does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Her voice kills me. Its the perfect pitch to fuck with my hangover.
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Randomize
