I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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