if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
