I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
