You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
all i remember of last night is that i was drinking jameson and then NOTHING i do remember walking a dog though\nwhich is sooo fucking weird
OH MY GOD ITS COMING BACK I PUT THE DOG IN THE HOTTUB TOO
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
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