I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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