In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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