Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I can't, I'm busy. I've been walking around Tokyo on google maps for an hour.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
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