I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
