can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Randomize
