my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
Randomize
