just survived the first fart of the relationship.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
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He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
I don't deserve a penis
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I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
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